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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.