♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Doggies just call it style.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
But wait…
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this