Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
#NoRestForTheWicked