36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again