*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses