When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
(Jupiter –
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe