How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.