WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
🤣🤣🤣
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I need better friends
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat