Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.