Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.