LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*