Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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She puts the hot in psychotic
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.