NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is