Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.