Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.