accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.