It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
bought wrong eggs