Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
You Might Also Like
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The Backseat Boys
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t