Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
2022 will be better than 2021
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining