My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.