I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
checking out some reviews of my local library
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.