I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.