I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m giving up ice.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm