i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.