Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
not seeing the problem
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.