cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.