Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”