I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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Free him
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.