That’s enough internet for the day
You Might Also Like
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt