I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.