[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
why would tinder want me to say this
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?