Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
dutch so unserious
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?