Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.