Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Got ya covered
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later