First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
God has left this place
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father