Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole