Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Seems legit
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.