If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda