[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water