My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I came this close!!!!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.