I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
You Might Also Like
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.