I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”