chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off