If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.