With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Received some very disappointing news today
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?