Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My time has come.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.