Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive