If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
You Might Also Like
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.