skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
this is the news I live for
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.