TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
You Might Also Like
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Who does Amazon think I am?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal